Morning Glory

art, aesthetic, and artwork image

 

The trip to the library went smooth even had the chance to read some other books. I used to read more when I was younger.
Romance, comedy, fiction, historical, you name it.
but for some reason the words stopped generating emotions, my imagination was not intrigue and pleased with fantasy nor tragedies.
My craves changed a bit until I found myself in a limbo where I didn’t found interest onto anything.

Somedays It feels as if I’m alienated to my body and it can take several days to feel okay again. but my therapist says it’s okay to feel that way sometimes I should always remember the things I enjoy in this earth.

Wait a minute, things I enjoy huh? tricky.
so started with the project of painting as a part of the process to find things that I would be able to enjoy and no I do not enjoy painting myself but I do find certain beauty to fine art and I am determined to paint the most beautiful flowers to keep it’s beauty forever. Intact.

It’s barely 11 a.m and the classes would start until 2 p.m and I am already out of home so I could take a coffee break. Am I the only one that feels anxiety during walks on the road surrounded by strangers and familiar faces?

That’s why I started focusing on the nature and flowers stopped generating that itchiness on my hands, I no longer wanted to cut them but stare at them.

The lifetime of a flower

2nd Letter,

For Andi,

Leonora here, Flowers my friend, are beautiful, delightful, delicate but at the same time they can be exotic. did you know that roses are related to apples, raspberries, cherries, peaches, plums, nectarines, pears and almonds? if you didn’t then you’re welcome. 

ever since I was little I saw flowers on many places like weddings, house decoration, dresses, hairstyles and paintings. they are everywhere and everybody seem to care for them. wanting to keep something so small protected even when we could finish them all. I always wondered what was it? their beauty? probably. or the diversity? that’s something else to admire from flowers don’t you think? how many different flowers there are but still they are all beautiful and special. Loved.

I received your letter on Thursday so I could start by telling you about my Friday.

Just like the morning glory flower my day started early, did you know that the fragrant flowers come in a rainbow of colours, including blue, red, pink, purple and white? I have my room decorated with red ones. at first my mom wouldn’t let me have the flowers in the room but my therapist said it would be good to paint and so I started painting classes, which was very fun at the beginning but once I stepped in and realised every person in the class had amazing skills. Like Jenny, she was amazing at capturing the image in pens, different pens colors she could create such realistic image or Paul who could recreate any modern image that his eye could capture and make it similar to big renaissance artists like one of his favorites Michelangelo di Lodovico Buonarroti Simoni, actually it was Finn who once told me that Michelangelo choose a very particular place to paint his self-portrait in Sistine’s chapel, he choose to paint his face on saint Bartholomew. Yes, this is this saint who is always shown as flayed skin, because he was skinned alive. Now is quite amusing to think of why Saint Bartholomew? I’m not much of a reader unless it can lead me to answers and so today my purpose for early morning was to have a short trip to the library before going to painting classes and talk more about it with Paul and Jenny.

The sky is clear and blue, a shy sun is trying to peek out and wake up everyone on this side of the world, at least I like to see it that way sometimes life can be more fun when you add imagination, but then the hardest thing comes and is choosing a hairstyle to do. something as trivial as that could define if today is gonna be a good day also if the coffee turned perfect instead of extremely sweet or sour. this morning it was a little bit too sweet but nothing wrong with it.

In the meantime my grandma reminds me in the background that whoever awakes early morning the lord is on their side, constant reminder. it’s a cold morning would guess 15 degrees. Around this time of the year is not so common to be so cold.

I wonder what could possible go so wrong to steal away from your your freedom…

The lifetime of a flower

Letter 1, 

flor

Well first of all how can some flowers lead you to think about so many different existentialistic things? but to answer some of your questions I can tell you about what is it like to live in a shoe-box. I know what you might be thinking but didn’t your mom teach you about religion or somethin’ called faith? not just into an old man up there watching you but also in yourself. it’s because you’re here and that’s where it should start to make sense.

I don’t know if you enjoy reading or not Leonora but here’s something that works as a constant reminder for me.

porverty, brothers, is a mouthful that’s hard to swallow,                                                              a bite that sticks to your throat and leaves you in sorrow.                                                            when  you watch the pale faces and rheumy eyes                                                                          observing you like ghosts and holding out thin hands.                                                                  behind you they lie, stretching out their whole lives through,                                                    until the moment of death…

a piece from Migjeni, a well known writer my father would read to me. as a daily reminder that life is hard already to ignore it. or to drown in a small glass of water. since I was 10 years old I had to go trough every trash can me and my brother could find in order to be able to accomplish the weekly income to survive with my parents and my other siblings. every night from 9 P.M and the finish time would depend from a good week or a bad week. on a bad week it would be until 3 a.m while on a good one it means 1 a.m. there were some unbearable cold nights that would chill till the last hair on the back of my neck but family goes first and survival is required. but life play me a bad joke. I was at the wrong time in the wrong situation.

because of an awful mistake I already have wasted 3 years and a half of my life living in a shoe-box. can you believe that Leonora? I’ve been rooting in here since I was 16. partly my fault, no. No! that’s what they brainwash me to believe but what fault do I have to be born in poverty? not everyone has a golden crib waiting for them. not even our Messiahs right? It’s easy to blame a poor kid. someone without a voice.

I’ve been accused of a crime I did not commit but now at least they let me compose in paper. If it doesn’t bother you would you mind describing what is it like a day of freedom? it hasn’t even been much but I started to forget what it feels like.

the beautiful sunsets and the funny colors the sky could take. what’s it like in the world that you live in Leonora?

-Andi.

 

 

The lifetime of a flower

As a child I used to cut flowers to slowly remove it’s petals but it wasn’t until one summer that my grandma caught me with the hands on the sack. I had managed to kill every flower from her garden and she had this immense sadness reflected in her eyes and kept on saying “oh Leonora, Why? It’s gonna be a summer without the joy and smell of the flowers.” Indeed she was mad the whole summer reminding me of how awful it was what I did to those flowers. which trigger the question “why?” or could also be “how?”. I don’t know if it’s even normal to think about it or to write about it or base a long time of your life with that question going around but I do know as a fact that is self-consuming.

Why are we here? how does life happen? am I supposed to believe that we came from nothing and nothing will become? why do I collect memories? is it true that life is nothing but a tragic comedy? ups and downs? I am sorry I deviated too much from the main purpose of my letter to you but I guess that just like me you must need someone to talk to and ventilate your mind so I will be patiently waiting for your reply.

let me start again, My name is Leonora. I am 17 years old and I have never been the definition of normal ever since I was little I would have people, let’s call it: minding my life. sometimes even making a joke out of it but I learned to deal with it, to certain degree. my favorite color is red, bright red. my favorite food is spaghetti but not the way my mom does. I really enjoy reading and I enjoy spending time with Mr. Luv which yes as corny as it sounds it’s my teddy bear. I got it as a gift when I was 4 and ever since he has been my advisor.

Anyways my therapist thought it would be a good Idea that I made a pen pal friend so here we are.

Att.

Leonora C.

 

 

 

 

 

 

A new adventure

First summer

First summer in a complete new weather. Much more than that it was more or less a new world.

It felt relatively easy to do the big jump and even though it is a great feeling moving away and starting fresh no one really warned me of how everything could be different from what I know.

I left my whole family but it was to purely chase my dream one of the things I struggled the most was food.

one of the things I struggled the most was food.

Of course pretty trivial for what came next but there’s still morning I wake up with the taste of the bread with beans my great grandma would have fresh every morning. The coffee with sweet bread at 3 P.M And of course the mercado right in front of my grandma house where everything only cost 50 cents. Life in my home country is different just like food and the way to make food.

In my home country a regular breakfast would include beans with rice, fresh sour salty cream, 2 slices of French bread and a glass of fresh fruit juice made by the maid.

Sounds like a delicious way to start isn’t?

For me It does but many people from foreign countries doesnt agree much.

Something that Is definitely in my bucket list is checking a foreign store to buy ingredients I’m used for cooking but is impossible to find in markets.

Caviar is something I still dont get used to but what type of uncivilized person would I be If I dared to say it outloud?

Is a complete different universe the one I landed in, I feel alienated to my own soul and body and yes just a simple change of food can cause all of this in me.

As a kid I used to eat everything including once a needle I found while crawling when I was 2 years old but at least I didn’t try to eat a cockroach and was willing to fight our dog for that tasty bug.

After a lot of months in finally enjoying the unsalted and unflavored food from here so there’s hope.

When I started this journey never thought would actually be a journey of finding myself but the more I try sometimes the more lost I get.

I guess I was living in a different universe all along.

The science of the soul

Chapter 1

The mind is a topic of fascination, how it is a different world in each head. So many different thoughts collide. Can’t stop thinking about the voices Ms. Marsha hears or the other people that Mr. Cuzy says he has living in his body.

-why are you so quiet this evening?- said Thomas while staring at me as if he could read my mind.

-have some new patients that I’m treating-

-keep going- he has this light in his eyes as if he already knew.

-have you heard anything about the fear in the mind?- I grabbed the deck of cards and he nodded for me to start a game.

-what type of fear? I suppose that would be a starting point.-

-Well, fear of existence?-

Fear of existence. Those words resonated in my head once more giving a different meaning of what I initially thought.

-Existance can cause fear on people without a firm ground.- the game was pretty even and the soft jazz fit perfectly the occasion. -is like religion what would a kid turn into if it never heard about faith? What would a person be without it?-

-faith is the belief of the soul. The hope, so it would be very catastrophic to think of a body without a porpuse for the soul isn’t?-

-well it could depend. Give the body a porpuse and no longer needs the soul-

-give the body a porpuse, you mean like entertainment?- I asked

-could be. Have you tried?-

-no, but I will see 2 of them tomorrow and I just started with them so I will give it some more time-

The science of the soul

-What are you dealing with?-

-anxiety, inside me. I see shapes where there shouldn’t be.- took a deep breathe before continuing -its self consuming, draining, scary. A very dark place in between my desperation and my fears that is constantly going on my mind, at times making me forget how to breath or the mere sense of life and sometimes it over takes my whole soul-

She was struggling with something sinister, something that could scared weak minds and wick sane ones.

-that’s it for today Ms. Marsha- it was already quarter past 19 and I couldn’t be late for the dinner with my old friend, respectable priest. Always there for good conversations.

-tomorrow at 17 doctor?- she says in a very soft voice.

-of course- I smile after and close my notebook.

It’s okay

#selfcare #selflove #reader #writer
#okay #selfcare #selflove

It’s okay to make mistake, to have bad days, to be less than perfect, to do what’s best for you and last but not least to be yourself!

We are constantly bombarded with all of the expectations from every person we meet in our life and unless we have expectations ourselves we would try to please them which would lead us to either sadness or disappointment.

Nobody really explain to us about self realization at least in my case I didnt even knew that I would experience an existentialist crisis at 20 and it all started by taking a big decision which is moving to a new country. Even bigger than that a new continent. Even stranger, a new language. Even scarier a new culture. when I never really travel that much before.

Life is so unexpected on the turns it takes but is important to keep ur mind and soul in place.

So for today something to remember is: it’s okay.

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